The Total Recall


Artist touch: Sorry, I don't have the cover art so here is picture of the Nintendo and Sega girl kissing. Cover art rating: NA/10
Month it won: 2007

(Virgin, 1993)
Special note: This game sucks so much that it is one of the rarest licensed NES games available.
Introduction and Story:
You got to be $%&*ing kidding me! I know I don't like using swear words in my reviews too often but if there is one game that deserves to be spit or stepped on, it is this very disturbing dud right here. So why am I so upset with this Color A Dinosaur old Nintendo game you ask? The name says it all because what you are doing here is just colouring in stupid dinosaur pictures really and that's it. Honestly, do you really need me to go on here? Oh well, c'mon baby make it hurt so good. Read on and learn more about one of the worst (quite possibly the worst) video games ever made!

Now this is the part of the review where I like to talk about the story but there is absolutely no story here at all. Come on, even games like
Super Mario Bros. and Mega Man just throw together a typical Save the Princess or Conquer the World story line to help the player feel somewhat important. The devopelers couldn't do that with this crap here.
Controls and Game Play:
Color A Dinosaur here actually isn't a game at all but a very VERY limited photoshop title where you get to colour in 16 different cartoon dinosaurs. Now if anyone knows me they know I personally love to draw and paint myself if I have any spare time. It's just a great way to feel creative and relax at the same time but I never in my life wanted to just paint only dinosaurs. Who in the hell would want to do that?

OK, maybe you're thinking to yourself that maybe this might just distract the kids for a bit while you be the master of your domain or something. Well, think again because even small kids would hate this and they'll be right back saying to you 'this game sucks!' Not only is this a dumb idea for a video game since this is a very small niche market but there are only a hand full of options as well. For example for a drawing game you only get a few dull colours available to paint with. Remember this is the NES here and it can only handle a small number of colours at once. You are also forced to cycle through the parts of the dinosaur instead of free control of the game's pencil so even the controls stink here. How bad of a programmer do you have to be to screw up the controls on a freaking drawing game!?
Graphics and Sounds:  

It doesn't get any better then this, honestly, it doesn't get any better.
Moving on to the graphics I can safely say there are no redeeming qualities here again. I hope you consider 16 black and white sketches art because that's the only thing you'll be seeing in this game. Hey, maybe I can scan a few uncoloured children book drawings so I can make my own video game. Yes Satan, I'll do it! Screw you video game buying public!

OK, maybe I went a little overboard there but maybe the sound can save this game, right? The music is actually done by video game musical pioneer
Tommy Tallarico himself (famous composer and star of the TV show Reviews on the Run). Normally I'm a huge fan of Tallarico's musical work (Earthworm Jim was awesome for one) but just doing one lame looping sound track for a title screen doesn't cut it. To be fair I can tell he didn't care about this project and who could blame him.
The Bottomline: Video:
Lets refresh ourselves to why this is one of the biggest pieces of crap you'll ever experience in your life. Can you draw or create your own unique art or dinosaur art here? No! Can you add shading and lighting effects to enhance your pictures? No! Can you play any mini games if you are sick of this stupid sketching here? No! Can you stop playing this any time you want? Thank God yes! Yup, if this game sounds exciting to you then be my guess and maybe you'll like using a staple gun on your nimble's too but don't say I didn't warn ya.

What makes me even madder here that this non-game got released in North America while other NES/Famicom titles like Over Horizon, Super Turrican, and Gradius II were not. Sure there are other terrible NES games out there like Total Recall, Action 52, and almost anything from the evil LJN but at least there is something you can actually do in those titles. Since Color a Dinosaur isn't a game or even a good drawing program either you should buy it cheap and quickly sell it (the game is kind of rare which is the only positive sadly) because you're never going to ever want to play it again. Now if you excuse me I have to wash my hands to get the sh*& off.

*Uncommon NES game

overall rating: 00/100

Find this game on eBay here!

For 1 player only
graphics: 0/10
sound: 0/10
gameplay: 0/10
replay: 0/10

(Ryan Genno) 2007

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